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i don't wanna get lost in the ocean
July 2009
Sun, Jul. 26th, 2009 01:33 am

Max Bemis is a talented, talented man. Colorblind was originally an up-tempo punk rock jam. This version is a heartwrenching tale of regret and a hopeful future.

It really gets to me. Colorblind was one of the first songs from Max that I ever heard. I was in the process of finding tracks from "...Is A Real Boy" when I found Colorblind and wasn't sure if it was from the record or not. I liked it a lot back then and it has always been a good one to listen to for me. It's not in the top 10 Say Anything songs or anything, but it was always a solid track. This new rendition nearly puts me to tears. It makes me think about my life and things I could have done differently, things I need to fix, and it makes me hopeful for plans I already have.

If you're an old Say Anything fan, you know this song and this new version is, at the very least, a treat. If you don't know Say Anything, who are you and why are you reading my LiveJournal?you should check them out. Here's a link to the original song.

- toddly


Mon, May. 11th, 2009 09:05 pm

First and foremost, I feel like absolute shit. I'm definitely coming down with a cold, or maybe worse... maybe I shouldn't have fucked that pig last week. o.O

Anyway, I just watched Stranger than Fiction for about the 10th time I'd have to guess and I realized something new about the film. If you haven't seen it, stop reading if you plan on seeing it. This post is spoily.

I realized that the ending wasn't what I thought it was. I thought that Karen Eiffel had written some masterpiece of an ending that required Harold Crick to die in some heroic fashion that saved humanity and we were left none the wiser as to what that was. Now, this interpretation leaves the viewer open to make up their own ending, their own meaning, and while I love a create your own story book just as much as the next guy, I do not see this movie in that way any longer.

I've decided I was right in one sense. Harold is meant to die in some heroic fashion that saves humanity. I was wrong in that it's something we're left to imagine for ourselves what that meaning is. The story is the meaning. The story is also the story. Now, follow along with me here. And maybe I'm just an idiot... but I felt, before today, that Karen Eiffel was writing some book with Harold Crick as the character and the heart, the meat, the meaning of the book was in some other part of Harold's life that was unknown to us, the viewer. I suppose I believed that Harold was dying for that unknown meaning.

Now, the meaning of his death is meaning itself. Prior to Harold's existential awakening, he was utterly worthless. He was a deplorable excuse for a human life and nothing worth emulating whatsoever. Through the story, he awakens. In part, due to the mundane existence that no longer satisfies him and, in part, to the narrator he begins hearing that leads him down a series of events that he might not have otherwise gone down. His life gains meaning. He falls in love with Ms. Pascal. He learns the guitar. He lives life. And he does all of this already knowing that his death was imminent. He follows that old, inspiring storyline, "It's never too late to turn it all around." And so many great stories are based on that idea. I could write a post on those movies alone! So, we have a character whose life is meaningless and whose death is imminent. He, whether of his own persuasion or because of external influences, changes his meaningless life into a very meaningful one. This is pause for reflection for Harold. Now, he does not want to die. Not that he was suicidal before, but now he has a whole butt load of meaning to keep meaningful. He had resigned himself to his fate of death and decided just to take it easy and take Professor Hilbert's advice. Now, he wanted desperately to keep on existing. He seeks out Karen Eiffel and makes his existence known to her. He reads the book and decides that he must die. Why? It is very plausible that there is still some meaningful, external storyline that we are unaware of, but what if there isn't? What if the very meaning of Harold Crick's death is his life that we have just spent an hour or two learning about?

Harold is willing to die. That means there must be something worth dying for. What could that be? Professor Hilbert says it's the greatest English piece of literature in years. That could be considered something worth dying for. Harold Crick was willing to face his death in spite of the fact that he had created a very meaningful existence. He was willing to die to preserve the story of a meaningless man making his life meaningful and then dying to preserve the power of meaning. That's a punch to the gonads! He was willing to make the sacrifice for the power of literature and the power to change lives for the better. He was willing to die for the hope that other meaningless people might read about his story and be inspired by fiction to change their lives for the meaningful. That is what Harold Crick was willing to die for. And the integrity of the story is not compromised by the alternate ending. He left that night, after returning the manuscript to Karen Eiffel, thinking he was going to die. He went about his daily routine just as the manuscript outlined with every expectation of dying by that bus. Karen realized that a man like that, a man willing to do that was worth saving. If Harold did not know the circumstances of the story, if he had just made those meaningful changes without foreknowledge of his death and the story being written by Karen Eiffel, then his death would have been a more meaningful ending. And this is because it would have meant that you need to change your life before it's too late. You don't know when you'll die so live life now. But, since he knew when he was going to die, the story takes on a new meaning. It's now about meaning and what is worth dying for. And if a man is worth dying for a powerful, meaning piece of literature, it's not worth killing that sort of man to accomplish that piece of literature. Harold Crick became more meaningful than a meaningful, best-selling piece of fiction because he was willing to die for one. Now, that's an epic story.

And if all of that was already known by you, go to hell for being smarter than me and screw you for not sharing that awesome story with me before.

- toddly


Sun, May. 3rd, 2009 10:08 pm
I just saw Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.

I'm becoming a hopeless romantic, again.


Wed, Apr. 29th, 2009 08:44 pm

I sit here and type about three pages worth of ramblings then delete them all because they feel too revealing. I don't know if I'm reaching out or just bored.

I should probably just post this before I think that I'm giving too much away.


Mon, Mar. 23rd, 2009 10:10 pm

For the last time Hollywood...

You cannot CHOOSE your FATE.

You cannot CONTROL your DESTINY.

You cannot ALTER your SET PATH.

If you ever say, "Your path has been laid out before you, now you must simply walk it," or "It is your destiny to do XYZ, you simply must choose to do it," or any lame-ass, cheesy, wanna-be epic bullshit line, you are being fucking retarded. You are being contradictory and creating a paradox. If it's your destiny, you cannot control it. If you can control it, it is not your destiny. It's simple logic and semantics. It's gone too far. I swear, I'm going to hear something like, "The choice is yours. Your life is entirely up to you. Now choose your destiny," and my fucking head is going to explode.

For the record, if the hero is merely fulfilling his/her destiny, then what that hero is doing is entirely meaningless, has nothing to do with any sort of inner struggle, and becomes a moot point. However, if there is no destiny, if it is not written that one day this hero shall come forth, then there is no ultimate plan or final battle. There are simply interactions between people. You want the hero to win, but the hero isn't fulfilling a prophecy. The hero is simply acting and it becomes so much more real. Because if it was fated to happen, the actions are meaningless, but the ending was "foretold." If it wasn't fated to happen, the actions mean everything, but the ending is meaningless from the "grand scheme of things" point of view. I, personally, like the latter because I don't have a say in the prophecy. But I do have a say in what isn't scripted, in what doesn't matter.

To put it in perspective, if an enormous meteor crashed into the Earth tomorrow, the universe wouldn't blink an eye. The cosmos would swirl, whatever other lifeforms that are out there, be it sentient or single-cell, would keep on keepin' on. It would be a speck of dust floating through the vastness of space. And what does that mean? Everything you do matters to you and no one else. So make it matter because you're all that you have. And tell fate, prophecy, destiny, and all that other shit to leave you alone. It's your life. It's meaningless. And you're gonna make it the best you can.


Tue, Feb. 24th, 2009 10:51 pm

I like answering questions. It's fun. If you have any questions you'd like to ask me or that you just want to talk about, I'm inviting any and all questions. They can be on LiveJournal or if you want to e-mail me it's toddly at gmail dot com. They can be philosophically inclined (the best kind), advice related, my deepest darkest secrets, or you can ask me about the weather. I might give you a rather snide reply should you ask about the weather, but nonetheless, you can do so. I expect maybe one question from Christen and that's just because she likes to humor me...

- toddly

PS - Maybe my sister. If she reads it. She has a tendency to do silly things like this.


Wed, Jan. 28th, 2009 11:51 pm

Crazy, I know. But something happened that prompted me to draw attention to myself via a post on Live Journal...

One of my best friends from Orlando tried to kill himself last night. It shocked the hell out of me. I mean, in some sick and twisted way, it almost feels like a statistical thing. Like, "X out of Y people know someone who's attempted suicide." It's a horrible thought, but it's the one I can't shake from it all. And it fits the description that those "X out of Y" slogans give you. No one saw it coming. He acts normal in every regard. Yada yada yada. I mean, I saw this guy not a month ago. Hung out with him in Orlando and there was no indication whatsoever. It was business as usual when I'm in town. We hung around, told horrible jokes, just had a good time. And now he's Baker Acted for the next two days and he's lucky to be alive. Well, lucky from our perspective, as the rest of the world. I can't say if he feels lucky to be alive. I'm not sure what a failed suicide attempt would feel like if made so public that all your friends and family will know about it. It's just one of those wake up calls. Do I really know anyone? Is EVERYONE capable of attempting suicide? Am I capable? I don't think I am. I hope you're not. And if you're thinking about it, ask me first if it's the right idea. I'll give you the straight talk. I'll weigh the pros and cons with you and let you know if suicide is right for you. I don't think I'm suppose to be joking at a time like this, but it's what I do. I make fun of things. I make fun of everything. I just made fun of suicide when I found out a very close friend of mine attempted suicide not 24 hours ago. I think for most people it's a way of denying what has happened. Push it away. Make it small. "Look! I can laugh about this!" I'm not sure if that's what it is for me. In a way, I feel that making fun of something like this is my way of conquering it. But I can't help but wonder if I'm suppose to be "more" messed up over this. How does the average person respond to a friend's attempted suicide? What an asinine question. I think these "deep moments" in our lives make us so self-absorbed that we are driven to make asinine posts in LJ about it like I'm doing right now. I think I'll leave you with that. And seriously, if you want to weigh the pros and cons of suicide, call me. I'll decide if you're worthy of living or not. And even though I know he won't read this at all, I think the pros of living would out-weigh the cons anytime for you dude... anytime.

- toddly


Thu, Jan. 22nd, 2009 12:13 am

you thought i was posting something in livejournal...

well, technically i am...

but not really...

good day...


Sat, Nov. 22nd, 2008 04:45 pm

Pushing Daisies is canceled. It will end after Episode 13 of this season which will be a cliffhanger. Fun.

Say Anything has a new album coming out sometime in 2009 and there's a couple of linked songs on Youtube: Tickle Me Red, Ahh Men, Cemetary, Loathing

I love Ahh, Men. It's going to be amazing live.

- toddly

PS - There's something magical about laying on your back with your feet toward a bonfire, looking at the stars and the new constellations that the floating, burning embers create.


Wed, Nov. 19th, 2008 08:44 am

Apparently, Wall-E is liberal propoganda. Disclaimer: Think Progress is, in fact, a liberal media blog website, but I imagine we can give a little creedence to this article seeing as most of the entertaining and shockingly dumb conservative statements are direct quotes from conservatives. I love how the messages of "over-consumption is bad" and "take care of the Earth" are liberal propoganda. Those are just a couple of the more latent messages of the movie. The more explicit message of the movie is love and curiosity are worth risking everything to experience. If I've had this conversation with you, you know I have a history of attacking cartoons for their latent messages. So, I'll actually grant conservatives that Wall-E has some latent liberal messages.

That being said, let's take a look at conservative propoganda in cartoons. Now, my definition of conservative propoganda might be a bit wider than what the conservative media would like it to be, but they can deal with it. This would take a while if it were comprehensive, so let's just take a few of my favorite examples: The Little Mermaid. The wonderful story of a female mermaid who longs to be human, but resigns herself to her life in the sea. Upon seeing the most handsome human male ever, she decides to trade her VOICE for LEGS in order to win the heart of this young man. Now, it doesn't end there, but the only reason it doesn't is because an evil witch-type lady (who happens to be ugly and overweight - any connection there?) foils all plans for happiness and attacks them and so on. So, she trades her VOICE for LEGS. Women should be seen and not heard? That's a conservative message to me.

But that's not a talking point on the conservative agenda. Here's a talking point of the conservatives that is represented in a movie. Now, this hurts me a bit, because I actually enjoy the movie for the characters mostly. Robots. Here's the message of Robots: A relatively poor boy from a suburb moves to the big city to make it as an engineer in the big world for the big company. He gets down on his luck and the bad guy almost kills him, but the former big business owner comes in to save the day and everyone is for the better because of his big business strategies. In a nutshell, big business will save you! Guess who made Robots... Fox.

So I think it's okay that we have a "liberal" cartoon every now and then.

- toddly